I have to get a job, at least one that offers a W2 with the paycheck.
I have never submitted a resume to a job. I’ve always gotten my work because someone knew me.
I have never worked in hell. There are many names for the hell I speak of: Best Buy, Target, Uno’s Pizzeria, Burger King, Circuit City (Oops. Haha), Staples, Blockbuster, Old Navy, etc… I have never worked for corporate franchise America, never gotten to enjoy two weeks of paid video training to perfect my smile package.
Corporate America is the backbone of the American Dream. Most people will enjoy the fine art of collecting a paycheck from a cookie-cutter business.
I can no longer call myself an American; not until, I have paid tribute to the higher powers; therefore, I will sell my soul to the Devil for the summer.
But wait–will I survive? This incarnation of me will not survive; indeed, I shall emerge from the other end of this long dark halogen tunnel called consumer culture, and I shall emerge… Stronger, better, faster… With renewed faith in the American Dream; once again, my birthright restored, my marginalization marginalized, and the crust of my apple pie toasted to a golden brown.
The hook–my documentary will be called: “Fired From Hell (Because The Economy Sucks And It’s Not My Fault)”. This movie will capture my experiences in Corporate America as I play the role Worst Employee Ever. My goal is to determine what it takes to get fired from seven different hell-jobs. I believe it’s harder to do than people realize and I’ve never been fired from a job, so I’m really missing out on a facet of the typical American experience. Enough! I want my piece of that big apple pie.
There are a few problems, like drug-tests or hair-cuts, but I think these obstacles can be overcome by exploiting the relaxed hiring standards this economy has created; also, the drug-tests are only 50% accurate according to the experts on Myth Busters; therefore, if I need to get fired from seven jobs, I have to take fourteen drug-tests. Now, there must be another stipulation (Limitations yield creativity). It would be too easy getting fired by not showing up for work, or showing up drunk; so, I will go to hell sober. Maybe this isn’t a good idea, but I suppose Morgan Spurlock could survive McDonald’s. Is Best Buy more dangerous than McDevil’s? I’m going to find out. There’s a Kitastrophe brewing.
This summer, I’m getting “Fired From Hell”.
Well, it would make a good story, and maybe I’ll actually do it, but right now–I’m really enjoying this cup of coffee, bowl-pack and my studio. Maybe, I can talk someone else into playing the character, because I’m too lazy.